Jealousy
As a sex and non-monogamy relationship coach, I understand that jealousy is a common and complex emotion that often arises in the context of non-monogamous relationships. In her book "Polysecure," Jessica Fern explores jealousy through the lens of attachment theory and examines how it impacts individuals within ENM (ethical non-monogamy) relationships.
According to Fern's perspective, jealousy can be understood as an attachment-related response that stems from underlying feelings of insecurity, fear, and a perceived threat to the relationship or one's connection with their partner(s). It is important to note that jealousy is not inherently good or bad; rather, it is a natural human emotion that carries valuable information about our needs, desires, and vulnerabilities.
In secure relationships, understanding and addressing jealousy requires a compassionate and introspective approach. Here are a few key points to consider when navigating jealousy in ENM relationships, drawing from Fern's insights:
Self-Reflection and Self-Awareness: Start by exploring your own attachment style and any underlying insecurities or fears that may trigger jealousy. Becoming aware of your emotional patterns and attachment needs can help you better understand your reactions and communicate them effectively with your partner(s).
Communication and Emotional Safety: Open and honest communication is essential in ENM relationships, particularly when addressing jealousy. Create a safe space where all parties involved can openly express their emotions, concerns, and boundaries without judgment. Active listening and empathy are vital skills to cultivate during these conversations.
Building Secure Attachments: Fern emphasizes the importance of creating a sense of safety and security within relationships, even in non-monogamous dynamics. By prioritizing emotional availability, responsiveness, and consistency, partners can actively work on building secure attachments that help mitigate jealousy and foster trust.
Emotional Processing and Support: Acknowledge that jealousy is a complex emotion that often arises due to unmet needs or unresolved issues. Engage in self-care practices and seek support from a therapist, support groups, or community resources specializing in ENM relationships to navigate these challenging emotions effectively.
Recognizing and Addressing Triggers: Identify the specific situations, behaviors, or circumstances that trigger jealousy for you. Understanding these triggers can help you develop strategies to manage them constructively. This might involve setting boundaries, renegotiating agreements, or implementing self-soothing techniques to navigate jealousy in healthier ways.
Remember, every individual and relationship is unique, and the process of addressing jealousy will vary for each person. Embracing the principles of open communication, self-reflection, and emotional growth can contribute to building stronger and more fulfilling ENM relationships. Consulting with a relationship coach or therapist who specializes in non-monogamy can provide valuable guidance tailored to your specific circumstances and help you navigate jealousy effectively.
